Raw: March 24th, 2025 in Glasgow

Promo: I am going to RUIN Wrestling

Yep. John Cena says that, out loud, directing a thousand-yard stare directly into the camera’s soul. Last week, he declared the WWE fans to be a toxic relationship. This week, with all the self-awareness of a redditor cruising towards a breakup (“I blamed a literal child for twenty-five years of job dissatisfaction on live tv: AITA?”), Cena lays out his plan. And in doing so, reveals what this is really all about.

For you see! In 2005, John Cena put a spinner on the WWE Championship belt. As a thirteen year old, I thought this was incredibly cool. But other fans apparently lacked my sense of class. They accused Cena of turning their prized championship into a toy.

And Cena’s time (for vengeance) is now.

He will defeat Cody Rhodes at Wrestlemania, successfully dispute the Undisputed WWE Championship, and then take it with him when he retires. This will, naturally, ruin wrestling. After all, without a chammpionship belt, we the fans will obviously have no reason to keep watching. John’s retirement goal is to, apparently, set fire to his own reputation, just to see how much he can burn.

“And there is nothing you can do to stop me.”

On perfect cue, the American Nightmare’s music hits. Having, of course, given John plenty of time to finish his whinging, Cody enters the ring not to deliver what I thought was the perfect retort to said whinging (in the form of a picture of Stardust), but to declare that he, in fact, can stop John. By, y’know, winning their match. He then challenges John to a fight, which John rejected by walking away.

Match: The Usos vs A-Town Down Under

Since A-Town Down Under hasn’t suffered enough at Jey’s hands, this week they take on both of him.

It’s Jey and Jimmy’s first match as a tag team in over a year, and an enjoyable flashback to their Play Hard in the Paint days. The question isn’t whether or not they’d win - they do. The question is, how long would it take for World Heavyweight Champion Gunther to pop out of the metaphorical off-camera bushes?

As usual, not long. Though The Ring General shakes things up by taking a moment to yeet (in the original sense) Jimmy out of the ring before attacking Jey. Jey fights back, with two Super Kicks into a… very obviously botched Spear. Jimmy’s reappearance with a chair chases Gunther off of a shaken Jey, and that’s that for the week.

Or is it?

Backstage: The Judgment Day establishes their itinerary

Raquel and Liv are working on their regular pre-match preening when Dom arrives, downcast from the outcome of last week’s match between Finn and Bron Breakker. Liv does her best to cheer up him up by suggesting he go talk to Penta, while Carlito obliviously muses on whether its time for him to go after the Intercontintal title.

Promo: “El Grande Americano”, and Chad Gable’s sick day

Next up is a video package for the mysterious American Made-emblazoned luchadore that’s been running rampant the past two weeks. Despite apparently being thrown out by security, he’s now apparently part of the Raw main roster. El Grande Americano’s backstory is confusing, mildly offensive, and probably AI generated, including references to the Gulf of America and an impossible fame considering no one’s ever heard of him.

See? Even Wikipedia is confused.

After the package, Rey and Dragon Lee confront Adam Pearce about this blatant display of shenaniganry from what is clearly Chad Gable masquerading as a luchadore. Adam, looking like his soul has left his body, replies that it’s out of his hands. Chad chooses that moment to wander in, looking like he just rolled out of bed. He hands Adam a doctor’s note like a middle schooler explaining why he missed the midterm, and suggests that El Grande Americano replace him in his match with Dragon Lee. Because they are DEFINITELY NOT THE SAME PERSON.

Women’s Intercontinental Title Match: Lyra vs. Raquel

Lyra defeats Raquel in a fairly straightforward match, despite some minor interference from Liv at ringside. Afterwards, the Judgement Day duo attack Lyra and are chased off by Bayley (who was apparently the on-call Babyface that night).

Backstage: Real talk with Jimmy and Jey

Jimmy confronts Jey about his recent botches, forcing Jey to reveal that he’s not doing so hot. Gunther’s psychological warfare seems to be working. Jey wonders how he can possibly win at Wrestlemania, when he’s 3-0 against Gunther. Jimmy gives him a brotherly pep talk, by letting Jey know that he’s definitely gonna get his ass kicked… unless he pulls it together.

Then Jimmy rounds the corner to spot Gunther (in my mind he’s always lurking in Jey’s vicinity like Ms. Wardwell in CAOS), and challenges the Ring General to a match. Then Jimmy delivers an open hand-to-face that probably raised him a couple respect points in Gunther’s eyes. Maybe the Usos should consider trading out their Super Kicks for some good old fashioned chops.

Promo: Adam resets expectations re. the Women’s World Championship

Next up, Adam Pearce enters the ring to explain that, no, Rhea adding her name to the Wrestlement contract does not quality as a binding agreement (next time get it notarized, Mami). Probably for the best, though, because letting that loophole stand would definitely ruin his life. He reaffirms the Wrestlemania match is between Iyo Sky and Bianca Belair, despite Rhea refusing to agree to her contractually guaranteed rematch. Then, Iyo interrupts him to announce that she’ll wrestle whoever, whenever. At which point Bianca interrupts her, declaring that she is the number one contender.

This is all a bit puzzling, because - as Adam exclaims with increasing annoyance - neither of the women seems to actually disagree with anything he’s saying. That is, until Rhea shows up, at which point the General Manager looks like he wishes he’d thought of bringing a sick note to work.

Rhea is glad he brought up that rematch, though, because she wants it. And despite Bianca’s irritation, Adam grants it before flinging the mic down and storming off. Mondays, amirite?

Backstage: Dom pitches Penta

Penta is preparing for his upcoming title match when Dom approaches with an offer: join the Judgment Day. Sure, they’re a struggling, squabbling heel stable most known for their most popular members jumping ship… but they could be Penta’s struggling, squabbling heel stable most known for their mot popular members jumping ship! It’s not clear what Dom’s play is, here - Penta is pretty clearly a good fella, and his whole entire deal is “Zero Fears”. He doesn’t seem like a good target audience for a friendship goon squad. But, he doesn’t commit either way for now. Probably out of confusion.

Backstage: Adam snaps

Meanwhile, the New Day harness their powers of the Worst Timing Ever to demand a Tag Team Championship match from Adam Pearce, who has had it up to here with the spandex-clad babies he calls employees. After chasing them off, Adam directs his remaining fucks in Bianca’s direction, assigning her the role of guest referee for Rhea and Iyo’s match next week. When she exclaims that she has no idea how to ref a match, he declares that she has a week to figure it out.

Match: Dragon Lee vs. El Grande Americano

We finally get to see a real entrance from the newest member of the RAW roster and it is… a hysterical representation of ‘low effort’. Even the announcers sound like they can’t quite believe we’re all in this situation, but he and Dragon Lee put on a solid match. El Grande Americano’s got some good moves: some of the same moves as Chad Gable, by incredible coindence. The match culminates in El Grande ripping off Lee’s mask before locking him into a submission move, leading to victory by tapout.

It’s too bad Gable was too sick to be part of it. I hope he at least got to watch it on Netflix.

Promo: CM Punk has some things to say

CM Punk enters the ring to discuss his upcoming Wrestlemania match, and dunk on Seth and Roman, neither of whom are present - whatever Chad has is clearly going around. Declaring “I work with children” (somewhere backstage, Adam is nodding vigorously), Punk explains the math: there are two men standing in his way, and he needs there to be zero.

His assertion that this “isn’t personal” rings somewhat oddly to anyone who’s been around the past few weeks, but Punk does seem to be planning something. Something involving the OTC’s wise man Paul Heyman in particular. Perhaps his repeated Hulk-outs and calling Seth a baby are just part of the master plan. I don’t know. I’m just a mark.

Intercontinental Championship Match: Penta vs. Bron Breakker

This is it: the moment, the answer to the question: will Penta finally eat a pinfall, or will his upward trajectory leap straight to a title run?

Well, neither. The Judgment Day, despite not getting an answer from Penta, arrive partway through the match to hover at ringside. Presumably, they figure that helping Penta cheat his way to a title will sell him on the team. All they actually accomplish is subjecting Carlito to a spear, after which Dom attacks Bron to trigger a DQ. Finn arrives with a chair in hand and vengeance in mind, and proceed to works out his frustration on Bron. There’s a moment when it looks like Finn is considering turning said frustrations on Dom; instead, he hands over the chair.

After getting in a couple licks, Dom offers the chair to Penta - against Finn’s protests. But its out of their hands: this is officially an initiation: “Zero Miedo for the Judgment Day”, as Dom puts it between urging Penta on in Spanish. Penta seems torn, but ultimately turns the chair on Dom. After Finn finishes facepalming, he unleashes his pent-up frustration on Penta, leaving both him and Bron on the mat while the Judgment Day stands over them. Finn offers Dom a reluctant hand up, but this situation probably won’t settle matters between them.